Do what now?

You would think after living thirty years, I would have some clue as to what I am doing in life. I am no closer now than when I was five or at least that is how it feels.

My life started out rough and did not get any better until I became an adult. Even in adulthood, it was trauma after trauma, thus the reason for my mental illness. Being mentally ill is a blessing and a curse. I am able to understand the depths of despair however, this means I have been at its depths. I recently feel I have been sitting in the deep end of self-pity. I was/ am finding comfort in staying in one place. However, self-pity wasn't what I was going for at all. I was going for self-love. How do you love a person you barely know? How do you get to know yourself? I only have snippets of things I know I love such as writing. I have always been able to write or type out my thoughts better than speaking them. Trying to talk about how I feel ends up a tangled mess of words slung together in the hopes they will make sense to whoever I was talking to. I know one thing and that is that I am creative. Art is all its shapes and form in the one thing which makes me feel every emotion. I am one of those nerds who has a life mission inspired by Vincent van Gogh's life.

It is as follows, "I want to transform the misery of my existence into euphoric beauty; suffering is easy to describe, but using your passion, your pain, to portray the ecstatic, joyous, and majestic of our planet is something worth living for."

How does one do this? The only answer I come back to is art. So here I am trying to find the confidence I never had as well try to pick up the belief in myself I was never taught.

So join me on what I am so sure will be any emotional journey, the recovery from burnout to the road of creative freedom.